Recently I have been giving a lot of thought to mortality, morality and what were meant to do about them. What does all this shit mean? I won’t lie, I’ve struggled as many have before and many will after me and spurring my new thoughts, are new words, I have been delving into books that have challenged how I think about the world (The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas & Ishmael by Daniel Quinn to name some), have re-sparked my interest in philosophy, quantum physics; as well as fed my hunger for an answer to a question I don’t know (cliché, I know, but is is so for a reason). To put it frankly, I am not seeing eye to eye with any of this ‘life’ that has been set out for me, and yet am so consumed by it I feel struck with excitement about becoming a part of it, and worryingly stuck with in it simultaneously .
I don’t mean it to sound selfish and ungrateful; I am constantly grateful for what has been given to me, and know that I shouldn’t complain. All I’m trying to get to grips with, is the prospect that I am growing up, and I DO have a choice of paths to travel. Yet somehow I feel I am being led.
As I have grown, new doors have opened as my less mature mind seeped slowly into a faded shadow, to reveal new perspectives and understanding; or misunderstanding – some would call it maturity. I see it as more of a loss of vision, of clarity.
My mind has supposedly been ‘broadened’ to encompass a whole new set of informed opinions, actions, abilities, decisions. Worries. Some of which I am beginning to realise are not my own worries ,but that of a world of people before me. I have been shaped by my environment and if I’m honest, as much as I thrive in this City, with these people, and this culture, I find myself increasingly frustrated and emptied. It wears you thin.
I can’t help feel all of this is self-perpetuating in this highly constructed, ‘sophisticated’ society, which really could not be further from how we should live – I’m not sure of how we should live though (really people read ‘Ishmael’). Fundamentally, the questions that used to keep me awake at night as a 7 year old, (‘Why am I me?’ ‘whats the point?’), are still niggling at me now – I’ve gone deeper into the rabbit hole, but there’s nothing there. It’s still pitch black.
So with regards to mortality and morality – I have figured nothing out. It’s becoming clearer that I don’t believe I ever will. I used to know adults had all the answers; and now I am one, I spy a gleaning recognition in other adults that we are all just kids trying to work out what the fuck is going on.
The bottom line though – there is too much to consider and I don’t know what to do with all I have been given.
So far all I can do is be kind, love and not be scared to do what I want – (as this fear is something I get top marks in). (Side note: try not to get hooked up on materialism or consumerism this adds to the previous point, because as angry as it makes me, our generation is a shameless product of these two things – Money may help, but is worthless.)
Sorry it is all reading a tad on the pessimistic side today, but I hope that the optimism I feel about actually thinking about things like this comes through.